2004-01-24 - 9:22 p.m.
the stars will cry their blackest tears tonight.
so we went to see this movie tonight. and i just got back from it. it was win a date with tad hamilton. id like to say that it was cheesy and it was such a chick flick. because it was. but it was still really romantic and the acting was wonderful. because i cried. yea. it was this one part where rosie has to go away and pete was trying to tell her that he was in love with her. after she told him where she was going he told her to forget was he was going to say. but then he seemed to rethink it and said, "oh wait i remember now." and then he kissed her in this extremely romantic way, so i just started cry.
thats never happened to me.
so its safe to say now that most of my friends have had their first boyfriend. or their first kiss. and anyway you put it - it always seems so wonderful. even if they deny it or say that it wasn't right. it is right - that was meant to be. even if you're not with that person forever - it was still right.
so what is right anyway? was it the right time for them? or the right person?
and don't get me wrong i could not be happier for my friends. and i don't want sympathy for being the only one who hasnt had this yet. i dont want them to feel bad. they shouldn't.
its just what happens to me? i mean, god. you would think ive waited long enough.
and its not that i want my life to be a movie. or play out like a movie. or happen like a movie. or happen like any of my friends. its just i want that feeling that i get when i watch a romantic movie. or when one of my friends tells me something romantic.
ive never had that before.
so when im riding home in the car, when the music has faded out from my ears. and i lay my head back on the seat and look up at the stars i cant help thinking - goddamn this life.
it snowed again today. and itll snow again tommorrow. sometimes i dont think it will melt. it hasnt for a long long time. infact maybe it never has for me. i cant wait till i can move to a place where it doesn't snow. or when it does it wont turn into gray slush piled in the corner of shopping plazas. and when i move ill totally and completely happy. and the snow will melt even if its 3 degrees. and there will be a cavagna park and a page avenue. and even if no ones there to hold my hand ill realize still how whole i can feel.
but now im here.
and after i got out of the car i walked onto the back patio and looked up at the stars and wished on every single star that whatever was needed to make me happy would come into my life.
"the stars will cry their blackest tears tonight and this is the moment that ive lived for, i can smell the ocean air. so here i am pouring my heart onto these roof tops, just a ghost to the world..." -story of the year.
