2004-02-29 - 9:13 p.m.
we were meant to live for so much more. have we lost ourselves? somewhere we live inside.
these days that i spend with my friends are honestly the best days of my life. i wish everyday were like today. the snow is almost gone and spring will start soon so i can stop being depressed. its an actual medicle condition. people who don't get enough sunlight get depressed. but its not so much the sunlight because i love rain. just the nice kind and not the harsh, wet ice that falls from the sky in february the darkest month of the year.
but i digress.
katie, ginger, cheryl, and i went to the abc today for lunch and the walked around the plaza with target and borders and such. these are the good days. fooling around in target with the easter toys, and well even more so in bed bath and beyond...yea. if you dont know you honestly dont want to. i laughed so hard today. especially when ginger told me about the "son of god reality show".
we all had to leave at three, ginger and katie left and cheryl and i sat outside borders talking for awhile. i love cheryl so much. i love listening to her tell me stories and just talking in general. shes such a rad individual.
yes i used the word rad.
the my mom picked me up and we hit all the discount stores. who need american eagle when theres tj maxx? yo. discount stores kickass. honestly. my favorite clothes are like the cheepest ones.
but somehow we always end up arguing. usually about how im premature. i think i brought up the warped tour. and how theyre coming here this summer. and so my mom started in on how concerts are a dangerous area. i think i said something about cheryl and ian going. maybe i shouldnt have said that. then she started in on driving ages. something or other. and age difference. 15 being too young. self images came up. about being with the right people, portraying the right image, doing the right things. she said she remembered being my age and not wanting anyone to pin point her either.
fuck society i dont give a shit what they think. no ones knows me. and if the dont want to they can go befriend someother warped teen. not me. i love my friends. i love who they are and what they do and i trust them. i trust other people. concerts arent the only place where something could go "wrong". something can go "wrong" anywhere. i could be walking to kassis house. or maybe at a football game. or at the mall or the movies or at the abc but i dont think about those things because then id be a scitzophranic locked in my tiny room humming to myself. im not like society who thinks everything and everyone is out to get something from everyone. shows and concerts arent the only bad place. where do people expect us to go? in this shit towne theres nothing except wallmart and hershey park and some of us arent satisfied with commercialism. theres nothing here. theres nowhere for someone like me to be happy and im never going to find anywhere if anywhere i want to go is supposedly inhabited by assholes getting ready to rape me. which im assuming that theyre not because wouldnt you think i know evough by now that i wouldnt put myself in a situation that involved dark street corners with people i dont know? who the hell do you think i am? im not stupid. im not a grown up and i cant do everything on my own, i need my parents i know that. but i also have enough respect for myself that im not going to hang around with people who are going to put me in the situations my parents think im getting into every fucking time i leave the fucking house. theyre making this world out to be some dark and cynicle place that will burn me everytime i leave. well its not like this house is a rose garden let me tell you.
i am so fucking stifled here its not even cool. what the hell about self images. i am not going to be labeled like everyone else. i understand that people get an image of you in their heads if you are associated with the "wrong" people. the wrong people lately have been the ones who dont label you. who dont care what you wear or say or do they like you for you and thats all that really matters. but fucking society doesnt think individually. they do what they are told and they never step outside of their little sterylized box to see what may be out there.
someday im just going to drive. ill turn on fenix tx and just drive somewhere till its dark and then ill find a mountain and sit on the edge of a cliff and watch the twinkling lights of the city below and the stars above. ill feel small and insignifigant but at the same time calm, and pure. i could fall alseep there. and ill only come back when im ready, if ever. someday ill just drive.
i have no idea what i did. ive always gotten good grades. i dont slack off as much as i could. i think i totally could drop homework and still get by. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. im not into that. i just dont find it cool. not now. i dont lie. i dont cheat. ive never done anything to betray my parents trust. ive never done anything. so why the fuck am i being punished by having to sit here having chances pass me by? what did i do? i work for grades and such. but it never really does pay off. does it ever pay off?
