2004-03-25 - 5:21 p.m.
locked in the trunk with your mouth taped shut.
i odnt know how much more shit i can take.
i had one of the worst possible days today. i hate school. i hate the people. and i hate the teachers. i hate the building. and the atmosphere. no one there understands me. no one even bothered to try. no one ever turns out different and even if they were i wouldn't know. im just a lowly freshman. there for the enjoyment and ridicule of upper classmen.
it seems although im an ok person. and that im pretty original. and that nothing is completely mishapened about me im never given the chance to fit in where i want to. i havent met anyone else at cd whose willing to take me in and shelter me. i cant stand the people there. im becoming depressed and im only a freshman. i have three more years to undergo all the hell. i wish something would look up once in awhile. it dark a lot at cd.
not to meantion my parents. not trusting me. in the least bit. she thinks were going to fuck each other and smoke and drink and be dumbasses at the staff meeting. she doesnt trust my friends. or me. or my descisions. everything for her sets a president. one that i wont even be able to live up to. not only our my friends the best people i know, mrs morris would never let anything happen to us. or ian. hes 18. hed protect us. and what the fuck does she mean smoking or drinking. does she not realize. lizs dad is an alcholic. you know what liz got from that. pain. massive unnerving pain. why the hell would liz drink, or smoke, or let any of the rest of us? just because my mom did when she was my age. im not a dumbass. im not a slut. im not friends with dangerous people. i dont do dangerous stuff. i dont do anything that would make her not trust me. i never did anything.
but apparently im the test child. i came first so obviously i have no priviledges.
the one thing im aloud to do is go to shows. even though they dont ike it. im gratelful for that. my mom thinks that is way too much. im not trying to ask for too much. i want regular priveledges like regular teens. maybe some god damn trust.
so i came home pissed today. not only at my mom but at the entire world. i ruined someone elses creative journal and got paint on my shirt. ms bennesse was bitching like you wouldnt believe and i flipped on ben today. only cause he was being a dumbass so i told him to fuck off. people drive me insane.
i wanted my dad to come home first so i could ask him if i could go to a staff meeting ( to write not to have sex) and not be bitched at. unfortuanetly my dad just drove in the riveway now. i was practically in tears when my mom asked me how my day was (to which i replied "bad"). so she pressed out of me what was wrong. which parents should NEVER do. just leave your kids the fuck alone. so she told me to surround myself with happy things. like my friends. and then proceeded to ask me if this was all a spin off of tuesday (which was the epic battle of trust). i told her not entirely since, yes, i am still pissed off about it. but today didn't make things any better. so dispite that i was already crying and that i had a horrible day she yelled about how im asking for too much all at once and how she wont trust us (even though "she does") she told me to enjoy the weekend and make plans. well how the hell am i supposed to do that if you dont trust me to do so? what the fucking hell? this whole situation is emensly tiring and hipicritical.
like lively says, im damned if i do, im damned if i dont.
i dont know how much shit i can put up with. i thought yesterday getting yelled at was hell. today seemed to have sunk even lower. now im wondering, everytime i think im the most miserable ive ever been it gets worse. ive never felt so hollow.
you know. ian and cheryl tell me that at 16 im leagally able to run away.
so i guess it is all my fault in the end. i should never have asked to do any of this stuff. i shouldnt be aloud to go to shows. i probably dont deserve it. i probably dont deserve to be happy since i have such a negative outlook on life. my moms right and im going way to fast, asking for trust and all. i guess it means nothing. my grades. my being good. its not worth it in the end. it amounts to nothing.
im really sorry for all the insaneness ive caused, cheryl, liz, whoevers creative journal i fucked up.
god. this hell is never going to end.
